Someone forwarded me one of those “send to 4,000,000 people to make a difference” emails about the chicken crossing the road. Since this was one of those rare “I love you but this is junk mails” that I actually read, and even more amazingly, enjoyed, I had to steal the idea and make my own version:
“The National Football League’s Super Bowl XLIII will pit the NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals against the AFC Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Who will win?”
Joseph Lowery: If the red man can get ahead, man, then the black will have to sit in the back. But the Steelers will wear white, so they will embrace what is right, giving the Cardinals the blues, as the game they will lose. I’m happy Tampa ain’t in it this time, ’cause orange is a word I just can’t rhyme.
Tom Cruise: The thing that I’m saying about football is that there’s misinformation, okay. And you doesn’t understand the history of football. You don’t understand in the same way that you don’t understand psychology. I understand football. I have studied football. Football is a crutch.
Alex Trebek: “Who is Calgary?”
Nancy Pelozi: If Pittsburgh is allowed to cross the goal line 3 times, then Arizona should be allowed to cross it 3 times as well. To allow one side to run free with no regulation, no fairness….it is simply un-American.
President Barack Obama: We’re going to take points away from any team who scores more than 25, and give them to any team with less than 25. The better team should carry the bigger burden. A tie is ultimately what the people want, and we’re going to work hard to give it to them.
Richard Simmons: Who cares! Just get Bruce Springsteen off the stage so the men in the tight pants can get back on the field!
Al Gore: That is what makes football great, the unknown…the everlasting glimmer of hope. I remember envisioning this exact scenario back in 1967 when I created football…that on any given day, any given team could beat anyone. Oh…and its going to be a lot hotter in Raymond James Stadium than it was in 1967, and its all your fault.
George W. Bush: Who cares now? I’ll be hunting quail in Texas, and the Texans aren’t in it anyway. That’s someone else’s problem now.
Hillary Clinton: I want Pittsburgh to win, but that doesn’t mean I want Arizona to lose. I am uniquely qualified to be a Cardinal’s fan because of my experience as a Steelers fan. If the Cardinals win, I’ll be as happy as if our Steelers had won, because even though I am pulling for Pittsburgh to be the Champions, I want Arizona to win.
Chuck Norris: I haven’t decided who I will allow to win. Stop bothering me. When I decide who will win, you’ll know it. Guess what’s behind this beard?
Benjamin Franklin: Whoever has the lead will win. If they can hold it.
Jesse Jackson: The team possessing the scorabilityness of the highest quantificable nature will have prosperity in the theater of Super Bowladarity. As our Coalition of footballistical uniformitablity marches onwardful, we will be reminded of our romanistical math-challenged brothers and sisters who are not even aware of the factability of XLIII equalizing to 37 on the decimalistichonic scale of numerichatistics, or 16.93 on the metrifical sytemaseousness of our Europeanalian colleagueitsts.
David Woodall: Pittsburgh
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