Read my Lips, Richard Shelby…”What He Said!”

Senator Shelby,

Hi. My name is David. I am one of your constituents. You know who we are, right? We’re the people you represent…you know, the ones you ask to vote for you every time you run for reelection?

We all live in Alabama…you remember Alabama, don’t you? Its that State where your other house is, the one in Tuscaloosa, where you went to school to learn to be a  politician…I mean lawyer. Its that State where you used to be a democrat, then switched to being a republican because there aren’t as many democrats in Alabama as there used to be. 

We’re that big red thing right between Georgia and Mississippi. And we’re conservatives (that’s why they color it red in all those cute political maps, for people like you who evidently have a hard time keeping up). We carry guns. We pay our taxes. We pray in public. We love soldiers, momma, and fishing. Do you remember any of this? Are you even still awake? 

If so, with all due respect, may I ask;

What in God’s name were you thinking when you voted to approve Timothy F. Geithner as the next Treasury Secretary of the United States of America?

You do know that he failed to pay tens of thousands of dollars on his tax returns and employed a housekeeper whose legal immigration status lapsed while working for him, don’t you? 

You do know that we Alabamians stood staunchly opposed to his serving in such a high and important capacity, right? 

Are you aware that we have TWO (2) representatives in the Senate? The other one’s name is Jeff Sessions, and he does something that you don’t;

He gets it.

He represents US. The People of the Great State of Alabama and we are proud of him. Why? Because he listens to us. He thinks. He talks to us.  He fights. He isn’t a professional politician who will say and do whatever he needs to in order to be reelected. We continue to reelect him because of who he is, and who we are. He hasn’t forgotten us. And most importantly, he does what we ask him to do. 

But all is not lost for you. I have come up with a plan that may endear you to Alabamians in the same way that we love and respect our true representative, Mr. Sessions. Its really quite simple, and I’ll even make you a nice little “action list” that you can print out and tape to your knee whenever you enter the Senate Chamber:

1. Find Jeff Sessions and introduce yourself to him. 

2. Try to sit near him, if they allow that in the Senate.

3. Once the session begins, don’t talk, and don’t listen to anything anyone says, unless it is your new buddy, Jeff Sessions.

4. If your new buddy, Jeff Sessions scribbles something down, see if you can sneak a peek at it when he isn’t looking, then you scribble it down too. (If you can’t read it, just scribble so it looks like you’re actually thinking about something).

5. Whenever there is a vote, don’t bother to listen to what the Speaker is saying about what a “Yes” or “No” vote means. Just look at your new buddy, Jeff Sessions, (they always ask him to vote before you, in case you haven’t noticed….it has something to do with the letters in his last name, but don’t hurt yourself trying to figure it out), and listen to what Jeff Sessions says….VERY carefully (once he announces his vote, you’ll be called very soon, and this is where it could get tricky).

6. When you are called, rise slowly, with confidence.

7. Look the Speaker directly in the eye.

8. Point to your new buddy, Jeff Sessions.

9. While still pointing at your new buddy, Jeff Sessions, say this EXACT phrase:  “What he said, Madam Speaker”

10. Sit down and shut up.

I think your life will be a lot easier and much more simple if you will follow these 10 easy steps.

And maybe we Alabamians will become less embarrassed by your “representation.” We might even be able to stop shrugging our shoulders, looking down, and kicking rocks as we mention your name. I can’t promise it, but it is a possibility.

Thanks,

David

One of your constiuents (see the first paragraph)